A Seattlite's Second Opinion

For my credentials as being a Seattlite, this fourth generationer will state only that we came straight from Norway and indeed, my Grandpa was a Captain on the Bremerton to Seattle Ferry Boat, and yes, I once owned a pair of Birkenstock's. I don't feel it necessary to admit whether I wore them with socks on. My Scandinavian roots are more then a sufficient admission.

Emmett Watson, a popular Seattle Times columnist started the influential "Keep the Bastards Out" (KBO) organization, whose aim was summed up in a cartoon that featured a bridge presumably over the Columbia river, with a "Welcome to Washington" sign and an exit on the bridge that read "California Residents Use This Lane" that came to an abrupt stop over the water. I bring this up for a bit of education to those outside Washington. During the 80's I saw my little hometown north of Seattle (Edmonds, of which we didn't have a palatial mansion or a view or anything) turn from a small town with a ferry dock, into a thriving mecca for retirement condos. I've even seen as late that the local swimming pool I grew up next to, and whose woods I mountain biked in about everyday after school, is now in threat of being closed - no business. Perhaps it has something to do with the economy, but I think it's because there aren't traditional families with children to swim there anymore. It's too expensive, so the opportunity for living there can be had only at the price of a dual income and no kids. When the demographic of Edmonds is the retireds and yuppies, perhaps they should open it up as a "Doggy" pool, their profits would sky-rocket! Emmett was right about this much, the growth has really changed the landscape for the worse.

Well perhaps Emmett, now deceased, is laughing in his grave for what has happened to the Emerald City, but I'm afraid the scar tissue is marred and grafted back with a good dose of collagen and implants. On an impromptu trip to visit my Parents, now living in Lynnwood, we were excited that, despite our fears, my Father was able to play tourist with my family (now not just a term my siblings know all to well when Disneyland just wasn't an option for the summer...).

We had a great time, absolutely one of the greatest vacations I've ever had, but the irony of Seattlites snobbery really made me laugh. Because the damage is done, and because we are currently residents of California, I will bastardize myself for a minute, and tell you some secrets of Seattle we hold dear, that makes us unique and defensive of our urban culture. You won't be able to keep this bastard out, I'd love the opportunity to move back one day, and perhaps my nomadic occupation might permit.

Secret #1 - you'll never experience it, you might be able to see the reruns, but for longest time Seattle had their own "Saturday Night Live" that would come on at 11:30 pm on Saturday's before SNL. You could even see the live tapings for free (which I was able to do once). For an education of the many (accidental-pop) cultures that exist, there was no greater source.

We laughed at the weird Ballardinians that were not too far (geographically and um politically) from the Fremonts (not to be confused with the Native Americans, these are more of the Bohemian Americans). We poked fun at the Bellevuians (the rich snobby type) being so close to the Kentians (I should be careful what I say here, I have a sister who now lives there!) only separated from the twixt Rentonians, who were a confused bunch, part money and part Nascar crowd. I don't remember them ever making fun of Edmonds, but nearby Lynnwood was a favorite butt of the joke with girls' big bangs and hair. They made fun of the "lazy B" (A.K.A.: Boeing) and the espresso stands that dotted the land like a herd of wild Buffalo.

Long live John Keister and the rest of them, who despite their best efforts were not able to make "Louie Louie" our state song. BTW - this is where "Bill Nye the Science Guy" came from. Really there is no distinction of my recent feelings of irony as of late, just a little education.

Secret #2 - Seattle has a Troll, but don't tell anyone. If you're on I-5, go west from the 45th Street Exit (North of Seattle - parallels UW; stop by Dick's Burgers and order a Dick's Deluxe, if Cheese is sticking to the wrapper, you know you've caught a good one!) until you hit "Fremont" street and go south for a few minutes (we measure distance in time)until you almost get to the water, then take a left and under the bridge you will see the Troll that, this Halloween,will mark 20 years of protecting the Aurora Bridge. I'm not sure if this is really a secret, or if we think we're cooler for having it, but the faces of contempt for everyone was as if to say "you tourist slime". So a secret? Not really, but prepare yourself for the evil eye from some beatniks that are cooler then you, elitist tree-huggers, which brings me to my next secret which I never knew until I came to Seattle as a Californian Tourist...

Secret #3 - Seattle, especially the Fremont/Ballard area, is, um Left to the point they have a giant statue of Lenin in their downtown. No, I don't expect to see a statue of Adam Smith in every major city, and I'm grateful for a little leftist education that we were indoctrinated with from teachers who are more then likely still into "expanding their minds". It even helped me be more open when in College, an economics teacher told a group of conservatives that without a little Keynesian sprinkling of socialism, through Government intervention/spending and deficit making, a purely Capitalistic society will not survive. (Enter our historical lessons learned from the Great Depression, but combated against by our current situation of over-doing Government control - all roads lead to greed, right?) Was Lenin right in a few Utopian concepts? Well, this is a whole other topic, and hey, I'm making fun of Seattle right? So the irony with the statue is that nowhere else in America, other then Seattle, could one find a 16 foot statue of Lenin, the father of Communism.

Secret #4 - Only buy Salmon fresh and never buy it if it's farmed, but most importantly do not think for an instant that a fish that get's thrown around (as you've seen the commercials) somehow tenderizes it like a mallet does to a steak, it ruins it - and don't believe the hype when you see the guys on TV and think this is where all Seattlites buy fish. Any local grocery store in the Northwest will have fresh fish, simply ask them what days of the week they get deliveries. That said, I had Halibut at least once a week, and when we had Salmon, it was like Christmas. Heck, we barbeque our Salmon in the Northwest!

Secret #5 - Now that I'm talking a little about Pike Place Market, here is where I got the original "outsiders" observation that inspired this blog: after leaving "Pike" I threw out to my Parents and Lindsay that Seattle really has a funny slant and disdain for anyone not from Seattle. Sure it's Pike Place Market, and I still get annoyed with everyone who stops to watch the flying fish and pay way too much for it just for a photo, but I concluded that perhaps with such a heightened climate, the Seattle snobs really come out in personality, amongst total strangers. Lindsay concurred citing that she had heard people over emphasizing that the vegetables they were buying were going into their dinner at their (overemphasized) "HOME" and that they had their Pike Place Market bags et all. Well here is my opinion of that in a blog segment I like to call "Really?!"-

Really? Your going to your "HOME" huh, and where would that be, in a crappy Apartment on 3rd and Virginia? Yea right, your home probably resembles my upbringing, safely tucked into the suburbs where your only seafood is a frozen Jenny Craig meal that has freezer burn.

Really?! This is where you do all your shopping? You probably live a few blocks from a grocery store where you don't have to pay $10 to park at either, and your real Seattle snobbery comes solely from the fact that you've lived there long enough to remember the Rainier Beer commercials.

Really? You think your hip for buying those vegetables from the guy who sports piercings on his eye lids? Little do you know he thinks your a tourist too.

Really? Your overemphasizing shows how phony a "true" Seattlite can get, when, placed in a circumstance that shows outsiders how cool a City can be that can still maintain a public market amidst seasoned urban growth, you have to show that we can still be jerks as well. At least your recycling with your $20 hemp sewn grocery bag with "Pike Place Market" silk screened on the side.

Please don't get me wrong, I love Seattle. It is my home. Yes, I might be a traitor on some weird level for living in California. But hey, it's not L.A. and despite what Washingtonians think, there are other green places on the coast. Here in Santa Maria, it's so green it's neon green! If your so Seattle, go live in Forks with Edward or something, and I dare you to tell why we don't vacation on the Peninsula. It's too rainy.

But do go visit Seattle, and here's some clues to two great secret destinations I won't give away so whimsically:

Clue #1 - Seattle makes some great mini donuts just footsteps from some flying fish of the not Seattle-locks persuasion.

Clue #2 - There's a Cuban restaurant without a marque in the Fremont district that serves up the best Chicken sandwich I've ever had - it's on the way to the troll, and the line is always out the door, but you'll be surprised how big the door is.

Long live Emmett Watson!