Life on hold.

{this is very lengthy. probably my longest post. it really is for journaling purposes, i guess. it explains a lot of about why this blog has been so neglected lately...}

Last April, Adam's dad, Bryan was admitted to the hospital. Sadly, this was a common occurance in his life. We were alarmed, but were confident that he would be released and everything would be fine. It always was. But, we felt that we needed to drive there anyway. Jacob hadn't ever met his Papa, and we knew that Papa wanted to see the newest Christense addition, but wasn't in a position to travel much. We loaded all five of us in our Honda Accord, and headed north...19 hours north. However, when we got there, we didn't find what we thought we would. We almost were expecting a grim trip, maybe the last. But Bryan was well enough to do so many things with us. We ate a picnic on the beach, twice. We went to Pike Place Market. We did lots of things, and there weren't any hospital visits while we were there. Things were looking good. We were able to spend some real quality time with both Adam's parents. Bryan had just been given a miracle drug from Canada that was really working for him. We were able to make the journey again for Thanksgiving last year. It was a pretty good trip as well.

Fast forward another year...

Bryan had been in the hospital again. He kept getting admitted, and then released. It was happening more frequently. He was getting weaker. In November, an open wound was found on his leg, and it never healed. Many biopsies were performed on it, and every time a sample was taken from it, it grew. In May, he was given a medicine to help in the healing process. But, it almost did just the opposite. Every mediciation you get at the pharmacy comes with a pamphlet describing the drug, it tells you the side effects, drug interactions, and whatnot. I think Bryan experienced every side effect, which for him, is not a good thing. His liver was starting to fail, his condition was not getting better. In 2007 he was lucky to recieve a kidney transplant, and because of that, is on many mediciatons, they did not like this new one. He was given many blood transfusions to get rid of the new medicine, but damage had already been done. On May 30, 2010, Bryan was admitted to the hospital, for what we know now, the last time. A few weeks before the 30th, we all sort of knew we needed to go to Seattle. And if not to just help out Carol, and lift both of their Spirits, but to say goodbye. It wasn't something anyone wanted to do, but we knew that there was a possibility.

Seminary for Adam ended, and we knew we needed to go. We kind of played around with just waiting until Father's Day, but didn't feel right about that, so we went as soo as we could. We left on June 4th. We drove straight through, leaving at 4 AM, and arriving at the Christensen's door at 10:07PM. We made awesome time. The next morning, we visited with Bryan in the University of Washington Hospital. He looked exhausted. He slept a lot. The different drugs were causing him to sleep. A lot. We left for the afternoon, but went back later. Everyday we were there we made a trip to the hospital, staying at least 2 hours. Bryan was sleeping most of the time, but we spent time there. Carol would leave every morning, early, and wouldn't return until late in the evening. We weren't there for our own vacation, we were there to offer support to Carol, and to Bryan. The ones we were visiting were at the hospital, and so that's where we were, too. It was good to be together. The kids did so well there, too.

One day, Bryan had been sleeping, and woke up to take some medicines, and saw Macie standing there, he motioned to her with his finger. She walked up to him, and he gave her a big hug and a kiss, and a big smile. He loved his grandchildren, they loved him. Even all hooked up to monitors and tubes, they were always ready to give Papa a hug, a kiss, or a high five. Of course, this was a teary moment for the adults. It was very precious. On Sunday, Adam asked permission from Bryan and Carol's bishop to perform the sacrament for them in the hospital, as they were not able to attend the meeting block. It was a sweet experience, to be there for our own little sacrament meeting in that hospital room on the 6th floor. As the week went on, Bryan's condition worsened. At the beginning of the week, we were able to have short converations between naps, but now the weren't any breaks in the naps. It was pretty constant. The doctors were pretty confident that he would get better, and go home. He always did. There were plans for rehabilitation. He would probably have to go to a center before returning back to the hospital floor for rehab, to regain strength enough to do 3 hours of strenuous rehab. But, it was looking good. On Wednesday, the physical therapist came in to help Bryan walk. We were there. With the help of a walker, and 6 cheerleaders out in the hall, he made the steps out in to the hallway. Jacob clapped and cheered and gave his Papa and smile and a high five! Bryan said, "Well, that's a step in the right direction." Those were his last steps.

We planned to leave early on Monday morning. After church on Sunday, we brought up the sacrament. Bryan didn't have the strength to take it. Noah and Macie sang "I am a Child of God" for Papa, he loved it. He gave them the best smile afterwards. And then it was time to go. I gave him a hug and a kiss on the forehead, and touched his hand. It was very cold. Jacob was on my hip, and had a harder time in the hospital. He was a little afraid, I think. Which is understandable. There were a lot of unnatural things on Papa, many tubes, bandages, and monitors. As we were leaving, and after the older kids gave Papa a hug and a kiss, Jacob reached for Papa. It kind of shocked me. He gave a huge smile, and touched his face. Papa played with Jacob eating his fingers. Jacob giggled. He felt his scruffy face and just was all smiles. He waved and said "Bye Bye, Papa." Bryan looked at Adam and raised his eyebrows up and down, like he does a lot, and said Good Bye to his son. Adam told him he loved him, and Bryan said, "I love you, too." I said, "See ya." But it didn't seem right to say "see ya later." Adam choked up and cried as we walked to the car. He was worried it would be the last time he would see him. But no one could have known.

We left Monday morning, and got home late that night. On Tuesday, June 15th, Adam went to work as usual. I ran errands, it was a normal 'day after vaction" kind of day. At 3:10 Carol called. I missed the call. I don't know where I was, but I missed it. Heidi called at 3:25. I missed that one, too. They were calling to tell us that Bryan had been sent to the ICU, he has choked on some water, and aspirating. He needed assistance breathing until they figured out what was happening.

At 5:30, Matt, Adam's older brother called. There was something different about his voice as he asked if Adam was there. When Adam wasn't, he asked if there was a way to get a hold of him. I gave him his work number, but knew he might not answer. I knew there was something wrong. Matt called back and told me the new of Bryan's passing. The tears immediately fell. The sobs started. I knew, Adam didn't. When Adam finally called, in between tears, I told him to come home as soon as he could. He pulled in to the garage, he knew.

Bryan's passing has always been a possibility in the back of everyone's mind. We knew it would happen, we thought we would be ready. But there isn't a way to prepare for something like that. The emotions that fly are not expected. We had just left Seattle. We had just said Good Bye, we were there for his last week of life, and that is something that we, as a family, will cherish forever. It is something that we will never forget. The Spirit prompted us to go when we did, and there was good reason for it. Bryan probably knew, he was hanging on until he was able to say goodbye to each of his children and grandchildren. And, Adam was the last one. His suffering is over, his quality of life is greater, he is happy.

Carol has been so amazing throughout everything. If you haven't met her, you are truly missing out. She has been so strong. Her testimony of the gospel, of the Plan of Salvation, of the Atonement, has really shown through as she is able to cope and to mourn the way she has. We love her so much.

We were able to fly back on Saturday and be there for the funeral services. It was so comforting to be with family. We enjoyed ourselves, as I'm sure Bryan would have wanted us to. As we remembered Bryan, there were a lot of tears, but there were many laughs. It was so theraputic to remember his life. To remember all of his little jokes and phrases. Bryan will be missed. By so many. We love you, Papa.


{and it is for this reason, our life has been put on hold